Oscars Oscars Oscars

Hmmm, so who won? Literally, Because I couldn't make it until the end of the show. I'll admit, I am interested a little in celebrities. A little. It's a chance for me to live a dramatic life without all the drama. But seriously? The academy awards hit a sore spot for me. It's a bunch of self important people gathering for HOURS to applaud their self important-ness. Sure, I like movies. And yeah, I buy the occasional "soundtrack" when it's catchy, but come on. These people aren't doing anything MEANINGFUL! They get picked to do a movie because they are famous, they get to eat free shit all day while they're making the movie because they are uber-important and in order to get them to stick around, they get paid extremely well, AND still get free shit. AND! They get clothes and jewelry given to them so they can look good while their pictures are being taken and they're receiving awards for the movies they do so they can remain famous.

Meanwhile, in my cluttered home, with my dirty kids, I struggle to think up something for dinner while trying to maintain sanity. And for what? The hope of winning some sort of a mom award?

YES?

Well, in that case, I've prepared my acceptance speech.

Ahem.

"Wow, I had no idea! Wow! Thank you all so much for this opportunity! I have worked 24 hours a day 7 days a week for this dream, and it's finally happening. The sleepless nights, the many loads of laundry, the constant smell of children's vomit and poo in my home has made it all worth while.

I, first, have to thank the academy. The Academy of Mothers who voted. Even though I'm sure you all voted for yourselves, as that is what I did. I want to thank my mother and father, for raising me and giving me the knowledge of what not to do with my own children. The mail carrier who brings me that ounce of peace every day when I get a mini-vaca to the mailbox. I want to thank all the people that haven't given me scowls when I drag my children screaming through public places. Thank you to the pediatricians for keeping my babies alive, the garbage men for taking the dirty diapers away, and the 911 operator for understanding that my children play with the phone a little too much. I especially want to thank the pharmacist for continuing to refill my medication, without you, this would not have been possible!

And lastly, *if I'm not played off by this point*, I'd like to thank my husband for having sex with me those three times that were for pure mission accomplishment and not enjoyment purposes. Thank you so much!"

I think that would do. Now where's the after party?